Visitor In The City

It feels like I am watching a TV show, about a life that I dont relate to.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt out-of-place inside cities. This towering concrete jungle is a very antagonistic environment for me to raise myself in. This feeling is not just limited to cities; it extends to other physical places as well. Cities are where this feeling manifests itself in its worst form.

I've lived in multiple cities and my existence has always been along the edges. I somehow fail to see myself as a part of the city. I feel like I'm a visitor. I fail to take up space. Sometimes I like to visit a very very crowded place and just stare at people doing their thing.

I am not an unhappy person; but cities do test my limits.

Sometimes I get this urge to run away into the mountains.
For some reason, this dynamic completely changes in the forest. I feel like I was born to exist there naturally; without any need to prove myself worthy of taking up space.

Just yesterday I almost spent half an hour sitting in front of a tree in a small lane just outside my workplace.

You are a part of this place, not just a visitor

I am not sure where I came across this line but for some reason it has stuck with me. Personally, this quote helps me articulate a feeling in me that I've been trying to articulate for a long time.

I struggle with a sense of lack of belonging. I do not feel at home when I am in cities. In cities there are places where I do feel at home; but these places are remarkably less.

This quote helps me ground myself when I catch myself spiralling (even in the city). Somehow treating a place like your very own (not like my pen; but like my plant (something to tend to; something to care for)) helps you feel a sense of belonging.

It takes some practise but I think I am getting good at it.